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Becoming Wise About Friendships Rich Nathan November 8-9, 2008 Everything Your Parents Should Have Taught You (But Probably Didn’t) Proverbs Series Proverbs 17:17
Of all the kinds of relationships human beings can have, the one that is almost always put on the back burner by virtually every type of society is friendship. In America and in the rest of the Western world, what is put front and center in terms of relationship is romance and erotic love. Just check out the grocery store and see what is splashed across the headlines of the tabloids. So-and-so actress is having an affair with this other famous actor. It is all about who is sleeping with whom; who is divorcing whom; who was seen kissing at a local New York hot-spot. When was the last time you saw splashed across one of the tabloids, “Guess who is friends with whom? Tom Cruise seen out with his best-friend. Angelina Jolie strikes up new friendship on the set of her new movie.” When was the last time you saw splashed across the cover of Cosmo or Self, or Men’s Fitness, “17 Tips for Becoming a Great Friend? “29 Things You Can Do To Nurture a LongTerm Friendship.” Western society, especially America, is obsessed with erotic relationships and puts friendship on the back burner. Think about how many songs are about romance. Who is in love with whom? What a man wants to do with a woman. How a woman wants to touch a man. You can count on one hand the number of songs you can think of that deal with the subject of friendship. In Asian and African societies family relationships are the most important – your responsibilities to your father or your mother as the oldest son or daughter; the relationship among the siblings; how you relate to your in-laws. We put romantic relationships first; more traditional societies put family first; fascist societies put race first – your relationship to your own race or your nation; communist societies, the most important relationship has is between them and the government. I can’t think of any society in the history of the world that hasn’t put friendship on the back burner. It has essentially communicated, “Well, when we get done with romance and sex; or when we get done with family obligations; or we get done with civic obligations; or we get done with our relationship to the state, then there might be some spare moments left for friendship.” And you compound that with living in a highly transient, highly mobile society like 21st century America where we are moving from one job to another and one city to another; we don’t stay in the same house or the same apartment for more than
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a few years. It seems that the one thing that gets squeezed out of people’s lives is friendship. A couple of years ago there was a very disturbing study which indicated that more Americans than ever have no one they can confide in regarding personal problems or troubles. Nearly one-quarter of all Americans said that there was no one in their lives who they could talk to about really important matters. There was no one, not one other human being they could use as a sounding board about personal issues. There was a major multi-year sociological study that was completed a few years ago by sociologists from Duke University and the University of Arizona. They discovered that compared to a similar study done in 1985 the number of people that Americans have in their closest circle of confidantes and friends has dropped from an average of 3 to 2 today. In other words there has been about a 50% drop in the average number of folks that people can confide in. And compared to 1985 nearly 50% more people say now that their spouse is the only person that they can confide in. But if their spouse gets sick, or they have trouble in their marriage, this means that for a huge number of people there is no one at all to turn to for help. One of the sociologists said that the image of folks standing on their roofs in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina still haunts her because many people didn’t know anyone with a car. And so when the floods came, they were absolutely stranded. Here in contemporary America, in times of trouble more and more of us find that we have no safety net of close friends or confidantes. This placing of friendship on the backburner is really in stark contrast to many figures in the Bible. King David, the second King of Israel in the Old Testament, is surrounded by friends and confidantes. And so is the apostle Paul in the New Testament. And so for that matter is Jesus who had an inner circle of friends and a wider circle of men and women with whom he maintained deep friendship. We see in Christian history many instances of great friendships, in fact, friendships that changed the world. Back in the 19 th century there was a small group of mostly wealthy evangelical Anglicans that met together for years and supported one another in the goal of socially reforming England, particularly in the goal of ending the English slave trade. This group of friends was called the Clapham Sect. The name came from the little village of Clapham which then was south of London and today is part of Southwest London. But the sect included William Wilberforce, who was a member of Parliament and led the anti-slavery movement in England for 40 years. This group strategized together; they prayed together; they did extensive research together; they encouraged one another in hard times; they challenged each other.
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And as a result of this extraordinary network of friends, slavery was abolished throughout the British Empire. English criminal laws were reformed. The International Bible Society was established. The Church Missionary Society formed. Another wonderfully influential group of Christian friends connected with each other from Oxford University from the 1930’s to the 1950’s. They were professors in the English department at Oxford. They had a lawyer friend join them and some relatives also joined them. They used to meet together for a beer or over tea at the Eagle and Child’s Tavern in Oxford to read to each other what they were writing; to challenge each other’s thinking; and to particularly argue theology. The two most prominent members of this group were C.S. Lewis, the author of the Narnia Chronicles, and JRR Tolkien, the author of the Lord of the Rings. This friendship between Lewis and Tolkien has influenced the lives of tens of millions of people in the last half century or so. It was Tolkien who God used as the last link in the chain to bring C.S. Lewis to Christ. Tolkien was a Roman Catholic Christian and he convinced C.S. Lewis of the truth of the gospels. Lewis became a great explainer and defender of the Christian faith. Many people place C.S. Lewis among the top 3-4 most influential Christians of the 20th century along with Billy Graham, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Pope John Paul II. And it was Lewis who convinced Tolkien to write down his ideas about middle earth and continued to encourage Tolkien as Tolkien was writing the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Praise God for this encouragement. Academics from around the world declared that Tolkien, this Roman Catholic Christian, was the most important author of the 20th century. American history has been deeply impacted by great friendships. Joseph Ellis wrote a Pulitzer Prize winning book titled Founding Brothers in which he wrote about the friendships and relationship among those we call the “founding fathers.” The relationship between Jefferson and Adams and Franklin and Washington formed what we know as today as the American Idea. It was through thousands of conversations, letters and arguments among this small group of friends that the idea of America was born. Friends have forged biblical history. And it is this relationship of friendship that has formed much of what we know as Christian history; and, indeed, much of what we are indebted to as American history. I’ve been doing a series on the book of Proverbs, a series that deals with wisdom. And in contrast to both contemporary American society as well as traditional societies and fascist societies, Proverbs places a high value on friendship. The book of Proverbs offers us huge amount of relational wisdom regarding how to choose friends and forge friendships and restore friendships
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that have been damaged by neglect or sin. I’ve called today’s talk “Becoming Wise About Friendship.” Let’s pray. Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. C.S. Lewis, my favorite Christian author, wrote a profound book about 50 years ago titled The Four Loves. He wrote the book shortly after marrying his wife, who was a Jewish believer in Jesus. Lewis married late in life, a confirmed bachelor up until his late 50’s. His wife, Joy, was a divorcee from an incredibly abusive marriage in which her ex-husband had been a serial adulterer and raging alcoholic. But Lewis wrote this book; it was his last major book before his own death. He talked about four Greek words that are used for love. One is “eros”; it has to do with romantic love, erotic love. A second word for love is a word that deals with family love. A third Greek word is the highest form of spiritual love, the love of God for us. It is communicated by the word agape. And the fourth word has to do with friendship love. Lewis writes this incredible chapter on friendship; one of the best expositions on friendship that I think exists in the English language. And Lewis says: Friendship is…the least natural of loves; the least instinctive, organic, biological, gregarious and necessary. It has the least commerce with our nerves; there is nothing throaty about it; nothing that quickens the pulse or turns you red and pale. Without Eros none of us would have been begotten. And without Affection none of us would have been reared; but we can live and breed without Friendship. The species, biologically considered, has no need of it. In other words, it is not surprising that every culture that has ever existed has put friendship on the backburner and exalted some other relationship above friendship – romance, family, state – because friendship, according to Lewis, is the least necessary of all of the loves. And yet, friendship is absolutely necessary for our spiritual health. Friendship is necessary for our spiritual health Here are Vineyard Columbus we have lots and lots of people who choose on a weekly basis to start a relationship with Christ. Folks see a need for change in their lives. They recognize that they can’t fix themselves. Lots of people come to the place of trusting Jesus as their Savior; not just their Savior to get them life after death, but their Savior from their sins and the sense of meaninglessness that hinders folks from living fully right now. But of the many, many people who start out on this road towards Christ, a substantial number of folks don’t change at all. They wash out somewhere along the way.
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And I believe that the number one reason why people fail spiritually, the reason why folks make a good start at following Christ, but don’t continue on, is that our whole approach in America to doing the Christian life is wrong. In our country we have so-emphasized that you do not need to go to church to be saved, that we miss the other part of the message that you do need to be involved in a local church and you do need a group of spiritual friends, if you are ever going to move on in your relationship with Christ. It is absolutely true that you can be saved by yourself in the living room simply by watching Billy Graham preach on TV, or by listening to your radio, or by reading a book. You can be saved without having a spiritual friend next to you. But you can’t fulfill God’s purpose for you life unless you put down deep roots in a church and you are connected to spiritual friends who will encourage you. See, I believe that the greatest problem facing Christians in America regarding our spiritual growth or lack there of is individualism. Individualism, trying to go it alone with God apart from Christian friends, I think, is a greater threat to your spiritual well-being than is American consumerism, or our entertainment culture. We need Christian friends to grow in the Christian life. The Bible tells us from beginning to end that we do not do well alone. One of the first things that God said to Adam in the Garden was, It is not good for man to be alone. Adam didn’t respond, “Hey, God, me and you are sufficient by ourselves.” God said we could not fulfill our purpose for our lives in isolation. You cannot be an American individualist and do the Christian life well. You cannot be an American lone ranger, not putting roots down in a local church, not having a group of spiritual friends and do well as a Christian. Ecclesiastes 4:9 reads: Ecclesiastes 4:9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve fallen and had no one to help you up? Have you ever been, or are you now so isolated, so alone that there is no one around you to help you when you are wrapped up and enslaved by a destructive habit or you are going through a really hard time – a divorce? Have you ever been utterly alone and have no one to pick you up? Certainly, many of us engage in compulsive behaviors. We lose our will power in handling food or sex or television or gambling. After we engage in a compulsive relationship, if you are a Christian, you are certainly going to experience guilt or shame. And because you know you are offending God and living outside his will for your life, you will probably despair. You may beat yourself up and say, “I can’t believe I did this again. I’m probably not really a Christian.” This despair and
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discouragement will bring you back into the cycle of even more compulsive behavior. How do you break out of addictions? How do you really change your life? You can’t do it alone. American individualism will absolutely fail you at this point. You can’t pick yourself up by your own hair, or lift yourself up by your own bootstraps. Psychologist Henry Cloud in his book, How People Grow, says this: Some may stop their addictive or compulsive behaviors apart from other people, but if their relational patterns do not change, they will relapse if they are not involved in a group. Without spiritual friendship you cannot succeed spiritually. Friendships are necessary not only for our spiritual health, but also for our physical health. Friendships are necessary for our physical health In a magazine called Today’s Christian Woman which is on my must-read list along with Needlepoint for Busy People and The Professional Crotchetier, there was an article about a year ago which said this: The idea that close relationships somehow help us prevent, cope with, and bounce back from illness has been around for years. But experts now have hard evidence that friendships actually boost our immune system, improve the quality of our life, and help us live longer. Medical research indicates that exposed volunteers to a cold virus and prove that people with a variety of friends had an easier time fighting the germs than those without close relationships. A study of terminally ill breast-cancer victims showed that those women who attended support-group meeting survived twice as long than those who didn’t. In another experiment, heart patients with friends at their sides during checkups had lower blood pressure and slower heart rates than those patients who came alone to the clinic. Newsweek had a recent study that said that “people with extensive social ties live longer – up to 2 ½ years longer – than people who are isolated. Close friendships may provide the most life-enhancing kind of social contact. Researchers in Australia followed 1477 men and women older than age 70. After 10 years, scientists determined that people who had contact with close friends lived longer than people who relied only on a spouse or a child.” Friendship is necessary for your spiritual health. Friendship is necessary for your physical health. So, what are the components of wise friendship? We need relational wisdom. We are not taught in school how to select friends. We aren’t
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taught very much about maintaining our friendships, or repairing broken friendships. Parents in the book of Proverbs were given the responsibility to offer their sons and daughters wisdom about friendships. So what are the components of wise friendship? Let me share with you five components all of which start with the letter “C.” Wise friendships require caution Proverbs 12:26 The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. You can have many, many acquaintances. You can work in a large group of people. But if you want relational wisdom, you will be careful in choosing your friends, people who you confide in, folks who you spend a great deal of time with. If you are wise, you will be careful in choosing who you link yourself intimately with in terms of what the Puritans use to call a “bosom friend,” someone who you could be utterly and completely transparent with. Why? What you will become is determined by who you choose as friends. Proverbs 13:20 Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. You see people in the Bible making very foolish choices regarding friends and being spiritually ruined by it. A great example of it from the Old Testament is Samson. He surrounded himself with friends who did not know the Lord and was pulled down spiritually by those friends. Becoming wise means that you keep your eyes open concerning people that you are going to share your heart with, or share much time with. Because who you pick as an intimate friend is going to shape the kind of person you become. Friends are the signs on the bus. If you hop on a bus of friendship, you are going in the direction of your friends. Don’t you see this in your life that friends have shaped your view of politics, or your view of church? That it was a friend who influenced you and shaped the way you thought about boys growing up or the way you thought about girls growing up. Other friends in high school or college might have drawn you into drinking, partying, or premature sexuality. Friends determine your taste in music, your taste in clothes, where you’re going to live. Friends, one of the most important issues in our parenting is assisting our kids to pick their friends wisely. Helping your children pick the right friends is way more important than helping your children pick the right major in college. In fact, it is
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way more important than picking the right college. Why not hang a large poster of Proverbs 13:20 in your child’s room? Proverbs 13:20 Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. This idea that your close relationships determine where you end up is everywhere in Proverbs. Son, don’t cast your lot in with thieves; watch out for the wayward woman; guard yourself from people who are going after foolishness. Why do we need to be cautious in who we choose as friends? Whether you are hurt or helped is determined by who you choose as friends You know, I’ve talked with folks who have been through a series of bruising relationships; people who have been betrayed by friends; hurt deeply, not just once, but repeatedly. They loan money to the wrong people; have had property stolen; had friends who slept with their girlfriends; best friends who slept with their wives. Many of these folks, who have been repeatedly betrayed, disappointed by close friends, apparently have not been following Proverbs wisdom about choosing friends. Folks who have been stabbed in the back have adopted the attitude that if I’m nice to people, they will be nice to me. I don’t need to be selective in who I let into my life, my home or my finances. If I am a nice person; if I am a giving person; if I am a loving person then that’s what I will receive. But Proverbs says that that is not the case. Proverbs gives us relational wisdom. It says you need to look at people with your eyes wide open and understand that not everyone is the same. For example, Proverbs 12:17 says this: Proverbs 12:17 An honest witness tells the truth, but a false witness tells lies. They say, “Well, that doesn’t need to be said. It is definitional. Liars lie.” But for those of us who are foolish about choosing our friends, we often are shocked when someone who has a track record of lying lies to us or deceives us. Solomon says, “What do you expect? The predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” How about this in Proverbs 11:13? Proverbs 11:13 Gossips betray a confidence, but the trustworthy keep a secret. Solomon is saying that if you choose a gossip for a friend, do not be surprised when they gossip about you. If you are around someone who is always badmouthing other people, guess what?? That person is going to betray your
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confidence. That is not a person you choose as a confidante. I’ve talked with so many women in this church who have moved from one loser to another in their romantic relationships. They are surprised when they end up hurt. They meet a guy who can’t hold a job, or is cheating on them, or continues to use drugs. He promises to change and so they give their heart to that guy. Proverbs says that liars lie and gossips gossip, drunks drink; lazy people refuse to work. Until someone has a long track record of sobriety and a long track record of work, and a long track record of fidelity, do not give your heart to them. You become relationally wise by choosing the right people as friends. Friendships require commitment Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. And Proverbs 18:24 says this: Proverbs 18:24 One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs is telling us the difference between what we would call a fair weather friend and a true friend. Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. I remember weeks ago when I was teaching on sex I mentioned that sociologists for the last 30 years have been talking about the commodification of relationships. Commodification What that means is that we in America today have reduced everything to an economic exchange. I used the illustration of Starbucks. My wife and I are committed to going to Starbucks for a cup of coffee only if the price doesn’t go too high. If the atmosphere changes; if give me bad service, if they raise their prices too much, we’ll go somewhere else. We’re there for the product, not for the people who work there. My needs transcend everything else when I go to the grocery store or to Graeter’s Ice Cream or to Starbucks. Now, throughout history people have said that if you are going to live a good life, a rich life, then you need to have relationships that aren’t just economic exchanges. You need to have committed relationships. In a commitment-based relationship, you stay in the relationship even if your needs aren’t being met,
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even when the price rises. Proverbs says a friend loves at all times. They stay with you even when it stops paying – when you get sick, when you are depressed, when you are out of work, when you are going through a divorce, when you screw up – all times. When they get a new girlfriend or boyfriend; when their lives succeed wildly beyond their dreams; they are still committed to you. What has happened in the U.S. is that we have swept more and more relationships into the exchange model and there are fewer and fewer of our relationships that are commitment-based relationships. When the price of staying married too high, most of us as Americans, even as American Christians, when the price of marriage gets too high, we want out. And it is the same thing in our family relationships. When the price of maintaining a relationship with our siblings, or our parents, even our kids rises too high, we want out. And we certainly do that with our friends. And in so doing, we impoverish ourselves. The only way to live a full life, a rich life, a rewarding life, the only way to live a life worth living is to have a lot of commitment-based relationships where people are hanging in there with you regardless and where you are hanging in there with your spouse, or with family, or with your friends regardless. Now, it is interesting here that Proverbs distinguishes between friends and family. In Proverbs 17:17 we read this: Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. One unknown writer said this: Best friends are siblings God chose not to give you. Friends choose you; family members are stuck with you. Brothers are born for adversity. In other words, if you are part of a family, you have to help out your sibling whether you want to or not. You’ve got to give them money. You’ve got to bail them out. You can always turn to your family. That’s what families are like; at least functional families. But you may not actually like your siblings. You may not actually like other family members. You wouldn’t choose to go with them on vacation. If you have free time, they aren’t the first people that you choose to call. Friends are with you at all times, not just hard times. But friends are people you choose to be with in good times. If you want to relax; if you want to enjoy the evening; when you don’t want tension in your life, you turn to a friend. Wise friendships require correction
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Proverbs 27:5-6 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. 6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. The writer of Proverbs is talking about friendly wounds. Wise friends can say things to one another that sometimes hurt. Relational wisdom requires us to hear things that are painful to hear. The writer of Proverbs is contrasting friendly wounds and wounding kisses. Judas gave Jesus a wounding kiss. Jesus gave Peter friendly wounds. You are not friend if the only thing you can deliver, or the only thing you can receive are positive strokes. And then Proverbs tells us in 17:5: Proverbs 27:5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love. You are not a friend if you say, “You know, I love this person too much to share with them in all candor, with all carefulness, that here is what I see happening in your life that will destroy you.” You are not a friend, who loves too much, when you won’t say hard things to someone. At least you don’t love this other person too much. You love yourself too much. You love avoiding the pain of confrontation too much. There is one reason why we don’t correct, and that is because correction hurts. Proverbs 17:10 says: Proverbs 17:10 A rebuke impresses a discerning person more than a hundred lashes a fool. I mean, how many of us want to hear our spouse or a friend begin a conversation with, “I need to talk with you about something that you did that hurt me a great deal.” How many of you enjoy hearing about the way that you’ve been insensitive, or about the way you’ve been blowing it? Wise friendships, loving friendships are willing to endure the pain of correction. We walk through the fear of not being hurt; we over come the fear of being misunderstood; we go to our friend on occasion with a gracious rebuke, friendly wounding, for two reasons. Number one, we want to prevent a minor problem in that person’s life from becoming a major problem. I’ve seen a pattern, my friend, with the way you are relating to the opposite sex; the way you are relating to this other person; the way you are relating to alcohol; the way you are expressing anger; your work schedule that has gotten completely out of control; your lack of rest; your lack of exercise; your eating habits. I’m seeing a pattern and I would never disturb our
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friendship, but that I want to prevent a minor problem from becoming a major problem. I love you too much to watch you wreck yourself. We only correct, we only restore what is valuable to us. It is not because of love for this other person that we fail to correct. Failure to correct is always a failure to love. You correct; you restore what is valuable to you. No one restores furniture that they bought at Target or IKEA that is simply pretty looking particle board. It gets chipped up and we toss it out. You don’t restore one of those cheap couches that you buy at Value City, couches that are stapled together with a cardboard and particle board base. The couch becomes ratty looking and you put it out in the trash and the frat boys come and recycle it by putting it on their front porch. It moves down the eco-system. But when you have an expensive cherry bookcase that has been handed down to you from your grandparents, or you’ve got a really well-made sofa that just needs to be reupholstered, you restore it. You don’t throw it away. And true friends are not throw-away people. True friends are people you are committed to restore. Yes, they may have gone off the track for a period of time, but they are your friend. I wonder right now if you are part of this church if you would take a moment and pray, right now, and say: “God, is there anyone who used to be part of my friendship circle who used to profess Christ, perhaps who used to be part of this church and who has walked away,” write their name down in your bulletin, if someone comes to mind. I would like to ask you to ask the Lord, “Do you want me to participate in their restoration?” Wise friendships require covering sin Proverbs 17:9 Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. It doesn’t matter how wonderful your friend is, people always let us down. We are all of us sinners. We are all of us on occasion disappointing people. Friendships need to be regularly repaired. They need to be maintained. And friendship can’t be repaired, it won’t be maintained, unless we are willing to correct. But a friendship won’t be maintained; it won’t be repaired; it won’t stay in tact, unless we are willing to cover sin. One of the best commentaries on the book of Proverbs talks about this Hebrew word for “cover.” It literally means, “to draw a veil over, to conceal, to bury.”
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Proverbs is saying that if you want to be a long-term friend to someone else, you need to act more like a squirrel and less like a dog. Again, Proverbs 17:9 says this: Proverbs 17:9 Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. You need to be more like a squirrel and less like a dog. What do I mean? Have you ever had a dog and at some point the dog has gone digging in the yard and dug up some smelly old bone, some carcass. It walks around the yard proudly displaying this smelly old thing. You try to get it out of the dog’s mouth and the dog growls; he prances around your yard. And then he proudly deposits that filthy bone on your living room rug. That is a picture of how to destroy a friendship. Let’s just keep digging up past offenses. Let’s display it to the other person; display it in your own mind; display it to other people. If you want to preserve a friendship, you will be like a squirrel that finds a nut and carefully buries it in the yard and just keeps it there. We never need to go back there ever again. I won’t repeat your failure to you. We talked about it; you repented; that’s the end of the matter. Here is how you will know that you are doing a good job of covering and forgiving a friend or a spouse. The way you will know that you are doing a good job of covering and forgiving is that you will not repeat the person’s sin. You say, “I don’t know how to forgive; I don’t know how to cover.” Very simply, you don’t repeat their offense. You don’t bring the matter up to the person. You don’t bring the matter up to yourself. And if you try this, what’s going to happen is that the first time you have the opportunity to reveal the sin of this other person and you choose not to, it is really going to be hard. You’re going to have to exercise real self-control. You will be tempted to speak it out, but you choose not to. It is hard. You will pray a price to not indulge yourself by revealing the sin. Here’s another way to think about covering someone’s sin. You go to a restaurant and several friends have eaten and the bill comes. You reach for the check first and you say, “Don’t worry, friends, it’s on me. I’ll cover it.” What you are saying is, “I will cover the cost. I won’t hold you liable for your debt. I will pay the cost.” When you forgive someone, that’s what you are doing. When you choose not to repeat a matter, you are saying, “I’m going to pay the cost; I’m not going to hold you liable. I’m not going to repeat the matter to you. I’m not going to throw it up in your face. I’m not going to think about it all of the time. And I’m not going to repeat it to everyone else.” I will pay the cost of your sin by my silence. Again, we’ve spoken. We’ve brought correction. I’m not talking about cover ups; I’m not talking about bearing abuse silently. But after the correction has been
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brought, and after forgiveness has been sought, and after you say, “I forgive you,” at that point to repeat the matter is to injure the friendship. So we need to be cautious in our friendships – wise in selecting friends, in other words. We need to be committed in good times and in bad, when there is no payoff for us; when your friend, frankly, is a bit of a drag. When you are able to move on in life and you’ve got a more exciting circle, you’re still committed. You are willing to pay the price of correction. You are willing to pay the price of covering. Now, I could just stop here and say that that is what friendship is, go do it. But the difference between Christian friendship and friendship in the world is that God doesn’t simply say to us, “Here is what friendship looks like, now go do it.” Because wise friendships require Christ’s resources. Wise friendships require Christ’s resources In John 15:12-15 Jesus says this: John 15:12-15 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because servants do not know their master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. The ultimate resource for being a good friend is to first experience the friendship of Christ. You know, many people try to have great friendships, but are themselves distant from Christ. Maybe you’ve tried that, but you are attempting to give out of what you yourself do not have. That’s why so many of the relationship books, so many counselors are so terribly ineffective when it comes to the subject of friendship. They can provide you with a few action steps to tinker with your friendship. They can offer you some strategies for approaching a friend. They can give you a model for understanding relational dynamics. Common sense wisdom is sometimes helpful and action steps can be useful. But Jesus is taking us to a much deeper resource for healthy friendships. He is saying that you don’t have any real hope for great friendships, or great relationships, unless you are personally tied to an intimate relationship with Christ. See, we can’t give out of what we don’t have. We are not the source of great friendship. We can’t give encouragement to someone else while we ourselves are discouraged. We can’t comfort someone in their pain while we ourselves are burned out. We can’t stay committed when the price gets too high. We can’t correct in love; we can’t keep ourselves from repeating an offense. We
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can’t do it unless we ourselves are receiving encouragement, comfort and friendship from Christ. And not only that, but we will destroy any friendship we do have, if we’re trying to get from our friends what we must get from Christ directly. Let’s be honest and say that we all need encouragement. We need to be affirmed. We need to be approved of. All of us need to be applauded and cheered on in the jobs we do, the efforts we make, in the kind of people that we are. There is a deep human need in all of us to be affirmed and to be approved of. But who is ultimately going to meet that need for affirmation and approval in you or me? Should I be upset with you because you didn’t come along and pat me on the back enough and say, “Atta boy, Rich! Nice job! You are doing great!” Should you be upset with me or someone else because they didn’t notice your effort, because they don’t cheer you on enough? It is wonderful when someone cheers you on. It is wonderful when someone affirms your efforts and acknowledges your contributions. But I will never get enough encouragement from some other human being and neither will you to meet the deepest needs that I have for affirmation and acceptance. The only one that can encourage and affirm you and me at the levels we need is Jesus Christ. A few years ago, Bert Waggoner, the National Director of Vineyard USA spoke and said something at the end of his talk which caused many of us to tear up. He was talking about this church’s efforts to reach out to our community and the joy of seeing our Community Center opened up. And Bert said, “I applaud you for your efforts here at Vineyard Columbus.” He said, “The whole Vineyard around the world applauds you and, if you listen real closely, I believe you are going to hear the nail-scarred hands of Jesus Christ applauding you.” Friends, there is no applause – not from your parents, not the well-done you’ve always been seeking from your mother or father, brother or sister, spouse or boss, or your friends. There is no applause that will ever meet your ultimate need for encouragement and affirmation other than hearing the applause from the nail-scarred hands of Jesus. And until you yourself have experienced forgiveness from Jesus Christ, you won’t have the power, you won’t have the motivation, and you won’t have the desire to truly forgive a friend. The resource for true friendship comes from experiencing the true friendship of Jesus Christ towards you. Let’s pray.
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Becoming Wise About Friendships Rich Nathan November 8-9, 2008 Everything Your Parents Should Have Taught You (But Probably Didn’t) Proverbs Series Proverbs 17:17
1. Why is friendship necessary? A. Friendship is necessary for our spiritual health B. Friendship is necessary for our physical health
2. What are the components of wise friendship? A. Wise friendships require caution (Proverbs 12:26) 1. What you will become is determined by who you choose as friends (Proverbs 13:20) 2. Whether you are hurt or helped is determined by who you choose as friends (Proverbs 11:13; 12:17) B. Wise friendships require commitment (Proverbs 17:17; 18:24) C. Wise friendships require correction (Proverbs 27:5, 6, 17) D. Wise friendships require covering sin (Proverbs 10:12; 17:9) E. Wise friendships require Christ’s resources (John 15:14, 15; Philippians 2:1-4)
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