Love Them, Discipline Them

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Love Them, Discipline Them Class 9—May 23, 2013

Discipline for Ages 6/7 to 12 Years

Healthy Communication is essential!

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Review of BIG IDEA 10: When training young children for obedience, spanking and time-outs are two of the most effective methods of correction.

Kathy Crosby—2013 Class 9, Mom’s Class: Love Them, Discipline Them, Life Center, Spokane, WA —Page 1

BIG IDEA 11: Children ages 6/7-12 need opportunities to try things and to learn from mistakes in order to grow in responsibility, self-control and good character.

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NATURAL and LOGICAL Consequences: Methods of correction that help children grow in responsibility and self-control.

- Great resources about using Natural and Logical Consequences: Parenting With Love and Logic, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, and Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood, by Jim and Charles Fay

Kathy Crosby—2013 Class 9, Mom’s Class: Love Them, Discipline Them, Life Center, Spokane, WA —Page 2

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When we get in the way of natural or logical consequences for our kids, we … 1) Rob our kids of the chance to grow in responsibility, self-control and good character 2) Create a climate for rebellion 3) Undermine the child’s self-confidence - If a child knows the parent is taking responsibility for his problem, he doesn’t need to!

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Two main ways adults keep kids from learning from their mistakes:

Kathy Crosby—2013 Class 9, Mom’s Class: Love Them, Discipline Them, Life Center, Spokane, WA —Page 3

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The Basis of Giving Consequences: Setting Limits through “Thinking Words” - Rather than issuing commands that set your child up for defiance, learn to talk to your child by … A. Offering choices B. Asking lots of questions, thus putting the burden of decision making on the child’s shoulders - Command words are “Fighting Words” A. Command words create an atmosphere of conflict B. Command words impede the process of a child learning responsibility, respect and obedience

“Children learn better from what they tell themselves than from what we tell them. They may do what we order them to do, but their motivation for obedience comes from a voice other than their own: ours. Kids believe something that comes from inside their own heads. When they choose an option, they do the thinking, they make the choice, and the lesson sticks. That’s why, from early childhood on, parents must always be asking thinking questions: ‘Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?’ ‘Would you rather play nicely in front of the television or be noisy in your room?’” Parenting With Love and Logic, by Jim Fay and Foster Cline

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“By using thinking words, we are able to set limits on our children’s behavior without telling them what to do.”

Kathy Crosby—2013 Class 9, Mom’s Class: Love Them, Discipline Them, Life Center, Spokane, WA —Page 4

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What does the Bible say about natural and logical consequences?

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One more look at BIG IDEA 11: Children ages 6/7-12 need opportunities to try things and to learn from their mistakes in order to grow in responsibility, self-control and good character. - “Children’s mistakes are their Significant Learning Opportunities.” - Parenting With Love and Logic, Foster Cline and Jim Fay

Small Group Questions for Today Beautiful Mothers! Your group leader will facilitate how to use the suggested questions. Please remember that everyone needs a chance to share and resist the temptation to try to “fix” problems or concerns that are shared.

1.

Where did you live between the ages of 6-12? How many brothers and sisters do you have and what is your position (birth order) in the family?

2.

Share one idea from class today that is a new thought—or a clarification—for you about natural or logical consequences as methods of discipline.

3.

Do you know if your parents disciplined you with natural or logical consequences? If so, what do you remember about this?

4.

Have you used natural or logical consequences with your children? If so, how has that worked out? What did you learn today that might help you use these methods in more effective ways with your kids?

Suggestions for Follow-Up This Week 1.

Review your notes from this class.

2.

Read and reflect on Galatians 6:7-8. What are you sowing and reaping in your relationship with your children? Do you see any “bad” fruit in your child’s life that indicates the need of a wellplanned logical consequence?

3.

If you have a child older than 6 who has not yet been trained for obedience, spend time thinking through what needs to change on your end and develop a plan for heading in a new direction with your child to establish this foundation of obedience. If possible, do this with the child’s father.

4.

Pray for each of your children. Children’s book read today: The Cut-Ups, by James Marshall

Kathy Crosby—2013 Class 9, Mom’s Class: Love Them, Discipline Them, Life Center, Spokane, WA —Page 5

Appropriate Discipline for Specific Age Categories Taken from The Strong-Willed Child, by James Dobson (pages 39-64) Birth to Seven Months “No direct discipline is necessary for a child under seven months of age, regardless of behavior or circumstances. … A baby is incapable of comprehending his ‘offense’ or associating it with the resulting punishment. At this early age, he needs to be held, loved, and most important, to hear a soothing human voice.” (Note: Dobson does indicate that training needs to be taking place during this stage – training to sleep through the night, etc.) Eight to Fourteen Months “Many children will begin to test the authority of their parents during the second seven-month period. … How does a parent discipline a one-year-old? Very carefully and gently! A child at this age is extremely easy to distract and divert. … When unavoidable confrontations do occur … win them by firm persistence but not by punishment.” Fifteen to Twenty-Four Months “If there is one word that characterizes the period between fifteen and twenty-four months of age, it is No! … the negativism of this turbulent period is both normal and healthy, and nothing will make an eighteen-month old child act like a five-year-old. … mild spankings can begin between fifteen and eighteen months of age. They should be relatively infrequent, and must be reserved for “clear incidents of willful defiance” … When spankings occur: 1) Use a neutral object like a small wooden spoon, 2) Make sure it is felt, or else it will have no influence, 3) Spank immediately after the offense, or not at all, and 4) hold and reassure child after spanking. Two to Three Years “Most of the comments written in the preceding section also apply to the child between twenty-two and thirty-six months of age. … I cannot overemphasize the importance of instilling two distinct messages within your child before he is forty-eight months of age: 1) ‘I love you more than you can possibly understand. You are precious to me and I thank God every day that He let me raise you!’ 2) ‘Because I love you, I must teach you to obey me. That is the only way I can take care of you and protect you from things that might hurt you. Let’s read what the Bible tells us: “Children, obey your parents, for this is what God wants you to do (Ephesians 6:1).”” Four to Eight Years “By the time a child reaches four years of age, the focus of discipline should be not only on his behavior, but also on the attitudes which motivate it. (For example, selfishness, complaining, demanding, deceitfulness, etc.) Nine to Twelve Years “Ideally, the foundation has been laid during the first nine years, which will then permit a general loosening of the lines of authority. Every year that passes should bring fewer rules, less direct discipline, and more independence for the child. This does not mean that a ten-year-old is suddenly emancipated; it does mean that he is permitted to make more decisions about his daily living than when he was six. It also means that he should be carrying more responsibility each year of his life. … The overall objective during this final preadolescent period is to teach the child that his actions have inevitable consequences. One of the most serious casualties in a permissive society is the failure to connect those two factors – behavior and consequences. … How does one connect behavior with consequences? By being willing to let the child experience a reasonable amount of pain when he behaves irresponsibly.”

Kathy Crosby—2013 Class 9, Mom’s Class: Love Them, Discipline Them, Life Center, Spokane, WA —Page 6