Q&A on Sexuality


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Q&A from Sermon “The Sanctity of Sexuality”

! 1. What is considered “sexual” with my boyfriend/girlfriend? Is it realistic to avoid all things “sexual” before marriage? BIBLICAL PRINCIPAL: All things sexual are good, designed by God, and are intended to be used only in the context of marriage.

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The answer to this question is already written on our hearts & minds if we will pay attention. What is considered sexual with the person you are dating? Any act with someone else that arouses you sexually.

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Our hyper-sexualized culture has indeed numbed most of us to what is actually sexual. Things that should arouse us no longer do, and to be honest this is not all bad. Somehow we must live in a hyper-sexualized culture and not be constantly aroused.

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That said, some of us are not aroused by images and experiences that are thoroughly sexual because we have desensitized/numbed ourselves thoroughly through pornography, sexual images, fornication-driven TV, lust, or extensive personal sexual experience. God’s desire for us is not to be thoroughly numbed to sexuality, but to be sensitive to it so that there might not be even a hint of sexual immorality among God’s people.

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Here are two questions every believer will need to answer:

1. Will I trust God and His Word that sexual immorality of every kind is sin, harmful, and should be avoided at all costs?

! 2. Will I flee sexual immorality no matter where it creeps up? ! !

Ephesians 5:3 - But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.

2. I am sexually active, but only in committed relationships. Does the Bible speak directly to me? I don’t see the phrase “sex before marriage” in the Bible.

BIBLICAL PRINCIPAL: The Greek word translated “sexual immorality” is porneia. The definition of porneia is not debatable. It simply refers to any sexual act outside of God’s design for marriage. No exceptions.

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The phrase “sex before/outside of marriage” is indeed not in the Bible. Why? Because there is a word in the Bible that means exactly that & more: porneia. God is crystal clear that all porneia is sin, harmful to the body & soul (1 Cor. 6:18), and forbidden. In fact, when we engage in any kind of porneia God says that we are “transgressing” our brother/sister in Christ and inviting the Lord to be “avenger” against us (1 Thess 4:3-8). Strong words! God must care quite a bit about our sexuality if this is how He responds when we misuse it. Read 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 very carefully:

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[3] For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; [4] that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, [5] not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; [6] that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. [7] For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. [8] Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. I truly do appreciate the committed monogamy of the person asking this question, but a question like this tells me three important things about your understanding of sexuality. You do not understand 1. God’s design for sexuality, 2. God’s value for sexuality, or 3. the sheer power God has infused into your sexuality. 1. God’s Design: God has thought up every aspect of our sexuality - anatomically, hormonally, positionally, relationally, emotionally, experientially - to accomplish specific very purposes in and through marriage. God is passionate about our sexuality displaying each of these purposes:

1. to inaugurate a life-long marriage that images the gospel 2. to continually re-enact the gospel in marriage 3. To continually re-image the oneness of the triune God 4. to continually develop & deepen intimate friendship in a marriage 5. to protect a marriage from sexual unfaithfulness 6. to create Christ-exalting kids in the context of a marriage & family 2. God’s Value: Sex is so valuable & important to God that He protects it from being misused. God protects it in two ways:

1. First, God with clarity communicates his design and intention for sexuality in the Bible.

2. Second, God gives His children the Holy Spirit to convict us, train us, & teach us.

3. Third, God actively punishes/disciplines anyone who misuses sexuality outside of the boundaries for which He has designed it. Consider Hebrews

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13:4: Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. 3. Sexuality’s Power: “It’s just sex” might be the most ludicrous statement ever uttered by humanity. Tell that to the person who was just cheated on. It is never “just sex” nor was it ever intended to be “just sex”. Sex is the most powerful and pleasurable natural human experience known to mankind. We are powerfully & purposely compelled toward it by God, and if we are not saved with the Holy Spirit inside of us, we are slaves to its power.

3. How Far is too far? BIBLICAL PRINCIPAL: All things sexual are good, designed by God, and are intended to be used only in the context of marriage.

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This question is asked with great motives, but there is a better question every nonmarried Christian should be asking. Instead of asking “What can I get away with?”, start asking, “How can I be the most holy?”

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I love the quote, “God has not called us to heterosexuality, but to holiness.” Our greatest desire in life should not be sexual expression or sexual release, but Christ-likeness. If you ask the question, “How far can I go?”, you will go that far and most likely further. This is because God has wired our sexuality to simply be the most powerful human impulse we have. The sexual impulse is that powerful!

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On the other hand, if you ask the question “How can I be most holy?”, you won’t go near anything that threatens your holiness. One question seeks to push limits while the other seeks to avoid impurity.

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1 Cor 7:34 - …And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. Here is a litmus test for you: As you read this answer, did the discussion on holiness seem silly, outdated, or irrelevant to you? If so, your lack of passion for holiness is symptomatic of a deeper and more profound spiritual problem of which you are probably unaware: lukewarmness. For more on lukewarmness, read Jesus’ strong words in Revelation 3:15-18.

4. Why is a liberal sexual ethic growing around the world? BIBLICAL PRINCIPAL: Those not in Christ are slaves to sin and Satan and are led astray by their deception.

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There are three primary reasons for this worldwide move toward a liberal sex ethic. 1. Because of the sheer power of sexuality, those not filled with the Holy Spirit are slaves to the lure of sexuality’s power and pleasure.

2. Because of the sheer power of sexuality & the sinister nature of Satan’s character, Satan desires to use our sexuality to harm humanity. He is tricky and has succeeded in convincing much of humanity of the following lies:

1. “It’s just sex.” 2. “If it doesn't hurt anyone else & makes me happy then it must be ok.” 3. “The truest thing about you is who you want to have sex with.” 4. “Abstaining from your sexual desires will harm you.” 5. “You are who you want to have sex with.” 3. Because God is so protective of human sexuality, God uniquely gives the sexually immoral over to their sexual sin. This is hard to read if you are not a Christian, but this is the clear teaching of the Bible. Consider Romans 1:24-27 as an example. Paul here clearly communicates that one who rejects God’s will for sexuality will not go unharmed. God has infused such power into our sexuality that it will begin to consume and eventually destroy us.

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[24] Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, [25] because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

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[26] For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; [27] and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error.

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5. Why is the Old Testament language about homosexual behavior, adultery, incest, beastiality or any other deviation so intense? BIBLICAL PRINCIPAL: The OT Law is not binding for Christians, but it reveals God’s values and character. The NT Law is binding for Christians and is morally consistent with OT Law when OT Law is understood in its context.

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As we saw in question #2, God is very intense and protective of sexuality. He designed it carefully and purposely. It is too powerful of a force to be used outside of its intended context. Simply put, the Bible does NOT pick on homosexuality, but picks on every single sexual deviation over and over and over again. If anything, the Bible picks numerically more on heterosexual immorality than on homosexual immorality.

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6. If we aren’t under the OT Law, then why do Christians go back to it to defend their sexual ethic?

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BIBLICAL PRINCIPAL: The OT Law is not binding for Christians, but it reveals God’s values and character. The NT Law is binding for Christians and is morally consistent with OT Law when OT Law is understood in its context.

Though the OT Law is not binding on the Christian, it does reveal God’s values, nature, and character. We see a clear sexual ethic laid out in the OT law which the NT Law clearly confirms & upholds.

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The primary motive/purpose/goal for a Christian to go back to the OT is to confirm that God’s prohibition against all forms of sexual expression outside of a heterosexual marriage are not new, but age-old. One does not need to go to the OT, though, to build a thorough and clear sexual ethic. It just so happens to be written all over the pages of the NT as well.

7. I was told that if I am gay, then I am born this way. Is that verifiable? BIBLICAL PRINCIPAL: All of humanity is born with genetic defects due to the fall.

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No, it is not verifiable. Numerous studies have been done by Christians, non-Christians, homosexuals, and heterosexuals to determine whether or not there is a “gay gene”. To date, there is no verification of this gene or hint that this gene exists.

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Even if there was a genetic disposition toward certain sexual orientations, Christians should have no fear of this. Genetic disposition is not nor should be a reliable moral compass. Not all desires are good or should be pursued.

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The Bible teaches that sin has distorted everyone’s desires and moral compass whether sexual or otherwise. As we read God’s Word, the perfect moral compass, we should be drawn to Jesus for the forgiveness of our sins as we realize just how morally demented every single person on planet earth truly is - Christian and non-Christian alike. We are ALL sinners in need of a gracious savior.

8. I am just not sure what to do about my homosexual feelings. They are very strong, I did not choose them, I feel alone and have no one to talk to. BIBLICAL PRINCIPAL: The church should be the safest place of refuge for all sinners navigating and discovering sexuality.

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I have never met someone who “chose” their sexual orientation. To be same-sex attracted or same-sex oriented is a difficult challenge, particularly for the Christian. Many in and out of the church share this experience of loneliness and shame over their sexual attractions.

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My desire for you is that Village Church would be a safe and life-giving place for you to share your experience and struggles. My encouragement to you would be to find a Godly & safe counselor, friend, or pastor who can help you.

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We must always remember our goal in life: to submit everything we are and want under the Lordship of Jesus Christ. This includes our sexual desires, orientation, and dreams. This applies to heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, and a-sexual alike. You will never regret submitting your sexuality under Jesus’ kind and gracious Lordship. He is such a beautiful and compelling master.

9. I have had numerous sexual partners both as a Christian and before I came to Christ. I feel dirty & ashamed. Is God mad at me? Will He punish my future marriage for this?

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BIBLICAL PRINCIPAL: 1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Unfortunately this is very common. It is an increasingly special and rare circumstance when I officiate a marriage between two virgins. The vast majority of men and women who grew up as Christians were/are sexually active to some extent. Sexual expression or release was more important to them than their holiness before Jesus. My wife and I are constantly fighting for the sexual purity of those in our church. It feels like we lose more than we win.

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I am grateful for the conviction of the HS this person feels. The HS is a helper, teacher, encourager, but also a convector of sin. Instead of feeling dirty and ashamed, my guess is that the HS wants you to feel a sorrow over your sin that leads to a change in attitude and behavior.

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Is God mad at you? Yes and no. Here are some complimentary emotions God experiences over your sexual sin:

- God’s heart is broken over your sexual immorality.

- God’s love for you can never waver because of your sin

- God’s wrath over your sin has been fully absorbed by Christ.

- God will discipline severely the sexually immoral Christian so they might never do this again. God says in 1 Thessalonians 4 that He will “avenge” those Christians who “transgress” another Christian through sexual immorality. This word is serious and means He will make your life much harder as an act of stern discipline & love.

- The only release from God’s discipline is full repentance.

10.My girlfriend and I are talking about marriage. I am afraid to tell her of my sexual past. What should I do? BIBLICAL PRINCIPAL: All sins against another should be confessed. All sins confessed should be forgiven. Sexual sins create significant relational wounds making reconciliation more difficult than with most non-sexual sins.

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For the Christian, having a sexual past can be so hard to deal with & confess. For some their sexual past is extensive brining STD’s, infertility, and deep emotional wounds into

their marriage. For the one confessing and the one being confessed to, this is a big deal. Let me address both of you:

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For those being confessed to: 1. This will hurt and that is okay. If you have saved yourself sexually for your spouse and they have not, the pain is increased. There is a genuine loss and grief you will need to bring before the cross.

2. Be ready to forgive, even if you don’t feel “over it”. Your act of forgiveness does not lessen the pain, but begins the process of healing & reconciliation.

3. Consider carefully the following passages of Scripture as you stand before someone who has harmed you in such a personal way:

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Matthew 6:14-15 - For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.!

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Colossians 3:13 - Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

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1 Corinthians 13:4 - 6 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

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John 8:7 - When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.

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Luke 17:3-4 - So watch yourselves. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says , ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

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For those being confessed to: 1. Bring all things to the light before marriage if possible! Consider Ephesians 5:11 - Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 2. Give your signifiant other grace to “react” initially. There will be understandable sadness & loss experienced by your significant other. Allow them to hurt, cry, need space, or heal slowly, especially if they have been sexually pure. Their grieving is not meant to shame you, but is a natural process one must go through when violated sexually. Yes, you have harmed your future spouse and your sexual past is an offense against your future spouse.

3. Wait and watch God move: Their process & long-term response will be a great illustration of their understanding of the gospel & of their spiritual maturity. It will also be an amazing opportunity to watch God heal you of the shame of your past, the guilt of your present, and your fear of the future.

11.I am single, want to be married, and have a strong sexual drive. I am not sure what to do with this until God brings me a spouse? BIBLICAL PRINCIPAL: God has called some to marriage & some to singleness. Each must discern God’s specific calling on their life. Whatever God’s calling, we must fully embrace whichever season we are currently are in & seek holiness.

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Your greatest objectives as a single wanting sex and marriage are as follows: 1. Holiness: Read the answer to question # 3 for more on this.

2. Contentment: Paul was a tremendous model of contentment in singleness. In Philippians 4:11-13 he encouraged the Philippian church to learn contentment no matter what circumstance the Lord ordains or permits for our lives. Paul was single, in prison, persecuted, beaten, the list goes on. Paul wants all believers to know that true contentment can be gained through Jesus in us, though it must be fought for.

Philippians 4:11-13 - [11] Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. [12] I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. [13] I can do all things through him who strengthens me. 3. Mission: Whether single or marriage, you exist for God’s mission. I love Paul’s comment about singles in 1 Corinthians 7:34: …And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit.